Ask Agatha #2 – I’m Concerned about My Obituaries

I Am Concerned About My Obituaries

2
2099

Dear Aunt Agatha,

Although my public service career has featured many achievements, the only time the BBC will wheel me out these days is to rubbish Brexit and to plead for closer European integration.  I am concerned about my obituaries, which are near enough now to have me occasionally sleeping in my coffin in preparation for the big day.  I fear that those obituaries will be utterly dominated by my role in treacherously plotting the overthrow of the UK’s best female Prime Minister, and my continued attempts to erode the UK’s independence.  Is there anything I can do to ensure that fair coverage will be given instead to the more positive things my career has included?

Signed “H”

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Dear “H,”

I have taken the liberty of asking around in media and political circles, and have established that the general impression of you is of a tiresome old wanker obsessed with unjustified self-importance.  Given this, and the fact that no-one has elected you to anything this century, it is difficult to see how you might get more favourable coverage.  Your best bet, if you are lucky enough, is to leave us on the same day as someone more famous, so that their coverage will crowd out yours, just as Princess Diana’s death crowded out that of Mother Theresa.  Barring such a fortunate coincidence, there is not much you can do, except perhaps to confirm your reputation by having a good wank, though I do realize that at your age this might not be easy.

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Aunt Agatha
Agatha Antigone is satirical. She has a weekly Wednesday column at the Continental Telegraph and was born in Central Europe in 1965. Her claims of descent from Romanian aristocracy cannot be authenticated because her papers were all destroyed in the Bosnian War. She holds a Diploma in Structural Studies from the Fritz Meyer Institute of the University of Bucharest, and is the author of several academic monographs. Her media career, launched in Pecob magazine, now features columns in over 30 publications. She found international fame with the celebrated letter-opener hand-stabbing incident with a US journalist live on CNN. Her best-selling book, “The Tobacco and Alcohol Diet,” was published in 17 languages, derided though it was by academic nutritionists. Her infamous public marriage to a Carpathian sheepdog was formally annulled by the Pope and Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, though it further confirmed her international celebrity status. She took out Maltese citizenship in 2015, and now resides on the island of Gozo with her partner of 23 years and three teenage children. Agatha tweets at: http://www.twitter.com/ask_agatha

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Hallowed Be
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Hallowed Be

“Is there anything I can do to ensure that fair coverage will be given instead to the more positive things my career has included?”

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Rhoda Klapp
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Rhoda Klapp

Someone not unlike H was my MP in Henley. Lousy MP. He was replaced by ‘BJ’, who was really pretty good. Wonder what happened to him?