Dear Aunt Agatha,
Although my public service career has featured many achievements, the only time the BBC will wheel me out these days is to rubbish Brexit and to plead for closer European integration. I am concerned about my obituaries, which are near enough now to have me occasionally sleeping in my coffin in preparation for the big day. I fear that those obituaries will be utterly dominated by my role in treacherously plotting the overthrow of the UK’s best female Prime Minister, and my continued attempts to erode the UK’s independence. Is there anything I can do to ensure that fair coverage will be given instead to the more positive things my career has included?
I have taken the liberty of asking around in media and political circles, and have established that the general impression of you is of a tiresome old wanker obsessed with unjustified self-importance. Given this, and the fact that no-one has elected you to anything this century, it is difficult to see how you might get more favourable coverage. Your best bet, if you are lucky enough, is to leave us on the same day as someone more famous, so that their coverage will crowd out yours, just as Princess Diana’s death crowded out that of Mother Theresa. Barring such a fortunate coincidence, there is not much you can do, except perhaps to confirm your reputation by having a good wank, though I do realize that at your age this might not be easy.