Our agony aunt, agonising, as she does

Dear Agatha,

I’m in a job I don’t really want, and can’t think of one that I do. I only joined the International Rescue Committee because I thought I was joining Thunderbirds’ International Rescue, and that I’d get to fly one of their cool rockets and lift people off mountains and stuff. Unfortunately it’s just a charity. My treacherous brother took the only job I wanted, albeit with fewer votes, even though I’m more qualified, and have a proven record of coping with a banana far more graciously than he managed with a bacon sandwich.

The problem is that I’m too qualified for any job I could get, having held several cabinet posts and able to command £20,000 a speech whenever I’m short of the ready. I recently joined a couple of friends to manoeuvre a ‘soft’ brexit, staying in the EU in all but name, which is better than what the idiot voters wanted, but no-one has taken any notice. What can I do now that will command the influence I’m entitled to?

(signed) “DM”


Dear “DM,”

Clearly you need a position that uses your qualifications to good use, and is sufficiently senior to influence events. I think the ideal job for you is that of an EU Commissioner. You turned down such a post when it was offered, because you thought it would conflict with UK politics. That no longer applies because there is no way you could re-enter UK politics without being put in the stocks and pelted. And since we’re coming out, we won’t get to appoint a UK Commissioner anyway.

You should seek the post representing an alternative country. You could acquire Cypriot citizenship within 3 months by buying property there, easily done on your six-figure salary. Or you could go Maltese, as I did, by bribing the government there. You could always buy government bonds instead, but it’s an EU country, and you’re not mad.

Use your record and contacts to work your way into the governing circles of your new country, and then run for a job as an EU Commissioner. It has the advantage that you wouldn’t have to endure the possibility of living in the UK under the madness that a Labour government would unleash.

It also has the advantages that come with its expenses and salary. You could sit aboard that gravy train watching your pension pot rise as you sipped your breakfast brandy. Yes, it would be boring, but it would be a very comfortable and rewarding boredom.

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Agatha Antigone is satirical. She has a weekly Wednesday column at the Continental Telegraph and was born in Central Europe in 1965. Her claims of descent from Romanian aristocracy cannot be authenticated because her papers were all destroyed in the Bosnian War. She holds a Diploma in Structural Studies from the Fritz Meyer Institute of the University of Bucharest, and is the author of several academic monographs. Her media career, launched in Pecob magazine, now features columns in over 30 publications. She found international fame with the celebrated letter-opener hand-stabbing incident with a US journalist live on CNN. Her best-selling book, “The Tobacco and Alcohol Diet,” was published in 17 languages, derided though it was by academic nutritionists. Her infamous public marriage to a Carpathian sheepdog was formally annulled by the Pope and Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, though it further confirmed her international celebrity status. She took out Maltese citizenship in 2015, and now resides on the island of Gozo with her partner of 23 years and three teenage children. Agatha tweets at: http://www.twitter.com/ask_agatha