Our agony aunt, agonising, as she does

Dear Aunt Agatha,

My main problem is my voice; it doesn’t command any respect.  People liken it to a cat with claws extended being dragged down a blackboard.  When I exposed Hitler’s secret Zionism and signed a deal with Chavez to swap Venezuela’s oil for uncancelled expired London Transport tickets, it wasn’t the lunatic extremism that bothered people; it was the grating sound of my voice. Should I take elocution lessons?  I’ve had a deal proposed by Gordon Reece.  He took an octave out of Margaret Thatcher’s voice and he’s offered to put it back into mine. I’m worried, though, because when I tested just a minute of it, three of my newts went into instant rigor mortis, struck stone dead at the mere sound of it.

People say I’m too extreme, even for the Labour Party, but I’m told it’s actually the nasal sound of my voice that got me sacked. Apparently the Tories planned to play it from loudspeakers at every street corner at the next election, relying on its shrill tones to intimidate voters and send them screaming into polling booths in a desperate bid to silence it.

What can I do? I actually like the sound of my own voice – it’s a nice, friendly, vegan, politically correct voice that’s music to the ears of terrorists everywhere.  Hitler didn’t have to change his voice, so do I really need to change mine?

(signed) “Greater Londoner”


Dear “Greater Londoner,”

I tested this by playing a recording of one of your speeches.  Unfortunately the needle stuck and it kept repeating “Hitler” over and over again.  You do have a problem.  Fortunately, I have a solution.  I suggest you get a voice synthesizer, rather like the one Stephen Hawking used.  Claim that your own larynx was damaged when you choked on your quinoa, and that you needed an electronic substitute.  Just as Stephen Hawking’s voice-box was given an American accent, so yours should replicate the voice of Donald Trump.  So, even as you ranted on about the need for Marxist revolution, the need for a feminist take-over of society, and the need for dialogue with assorted murderers around the world, your listeners would be lulled by the soothing tones of Donald Trump.  His steady, conciliative voice would spread calm and contentment in place of your customary strident provocation.  I’m sure this will help.

A xxx

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Agatha Antigone is satirical. She has a weekly Wednesday column at the Continental Telegraph and was born in Central Europe in 1965. Her claims of descent from Romanian aristocracy cannot be authenticated because her papers were all destroyed in the Bosnian War. She holds a Diploma in Structural Studies from the Fritz Meyer Institute of the University of Bucharest, and is the author of several academic monographs. Her media career, launched in Pecob magazine, now features columns in over 30 publications. She found international fame with the celebrated letter-opener hand-stabbing incident with a US journalist live on CNN. Her best-selling book, “The Tobacco and Alcohol Diet,” was published in 17 languages, derided though it was by academic nutritionists. Her infamous public marriage to a Carpathian sheepdog was formally annulled by the Pope and Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, though it further confirmed her international celebrity status. She took out Maltese citizenship in 2015, and now resides on the island of Gozo with her partner of 23 years and three teenage children. Agatha tweets at: http://www.twitter.com/ask_agatha