Our agony aunt, agonising, as she does

Dear Aunt Agatha,

My problem is that I can’t control things any more. I always used to, and it brought me most of what I wanted. I was the original control freak who gave my party a new policy and a new leader. It brought me a seat in the cabinet three times. But I began to feel it slipping when I took an undeclared loan from a colleague to buy a house, and again when I could have been more cautious about helping a rich business guy with a passport.

I took control again when I went to Brussels and controlled the trade of 28 countries. Now that was control! But now it’s over and all I’m left with, apart from the millions I made along the way, is a measly £35,000 ‘loyalty’ pension – quite a come-down from my £182,500 salary. It’s not the money that bugs me, because I have shedloads of the stuff. It’s the control I miss, the ability to play people like pieces on a chessboard. My party was taken over by some nutter, so I can’t control that any more. I get wheeled out occasionally to make pro-Brussels statements on the BBC, of course, but I want to run everything like I used to. What do you advise?

(signed) “Control Freak”

Dear “Control Freak,”

I sympathise. You once moved men and nations, and now you’re a has-been. Well, it’s better than being a never-has-been. I could suggest you just accept it gracefully, but you’re not the type. You’ve never eaten humble pie, even though you’ve had your fingers in every other pie. My advice is very radical. Change parties. Not the Lib-Dems because there’s nothing there to control, but make a public switch to the Conservatives. You’d be hated by the nutters, but you’d love that. It’s better than being ignored. You’d have to shut up about Brexit, of course, but once we’re out it won’t be an issue. The Tories would give you a cabinet job as a sweetener for the PR it would give them. From that post you could control the Tories. After all, they show no sign that anyone else is currently controlling them.

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Agatha Antigone is satirical. She has a weekly Wednesday column at the Continental Telegraph and was born in Central Europe in 1965. Her claims of descent from Romanian aristocracy cannot be authenticated because her papers were all destroyed in the Bosnian War. She holds a Diploma in Structural Studies from the Fritz Meyer Institute of the University of Bucharest, and is the author of several academic monographs. Her media career, launched in Pecob magazine, now features columns in over 30 publications. She found international fame with the celebrated letter-opener hand-stabbing incident with a US journalist live on CNN. Her best-selling book, “The Tobacco and Alcohol Diet,” was published in 17 languages, derided though it was by academic nutritionists. Her infamous public marriage to a Carpathian sheepdog was formally annulled by the Pope and Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, though it further confirmed her international celebrity status. She took out Maltese citizenship in 2015, and now resides on the island of Gozo with her partner of 23 years and three teenage children. Agatha tweets at: http://www.twitter.com/ask_agatha