Our agony aunt, agonising, as she does

Dear Aunt Agatha,

I used to be a big shot, but lately things have gone somewhat pear-shaped, and it’s not just my waistline. The fees I get from Russia Today are great, but urging an independent Scotland under the Kremlin’s auspices doesn’t go down too well. In fact they would have to replace the English at Faslane because the base would otherwise go to waste. And we’ll need their cash because my post independence projections were somewhat fanciful. As an economist, I knew that; but I’m also a politician. At least I was.

Now things have become complicated. I’ve resigned from the party I helped build because of totally false accusations that I did something inappropriate with an intern. I mean, really. What are they there for but to provide eye candy to fat old men like myself? Of course I didn’t overdo things, and it’s all an ugly smear campaign. But no one will listen. What I ask you is whether, given my experience as a mover and shaker, I should now apply for a job at the European Commission or the United Nations. My behaviour there would seem quite normal.

(signed) “Tartan-trews.”

Dear “Tartan-trews,”

I think you can do better than the EU and the UN, which are both somewhat common. Have you thought of becoming a king? It would be the next logical step, given your career. There must be many islands scattered about that would welcome a heavyweight ruler of your imposing magnificence. I suggest you might think of becoming King of Skye, with a fair chance of sponsorship from Rupert Murdoch. You could finance your new state’s budget by going into fish farming and exporting the produce. Salmon would be too obvious, and it’s a crowded market, but have you thought of doing sturgeon?