Our Aunt Agatha Copyright: Continental Telegraph

Dear Aunt Agatha,

Please advise me on how to gain power. I already have an exalted position, but it doesn’t allow me to boss people around, which is what I really want. Whenever I try, people throw the book at me, and I mean THE book. “Take what thou hast and give it to the poor,” they say. Well, I’m not going to do that, am I? That would mean the homeless people who sleep outside my palace would sleep inside it, and I’m not having that.

“Render unto Caesar,” they tell me, trying to stop me poking my nose into political matters. Look, Agatha, I want to BE Caesar. I know I haven’t been elected to anything, but I have something that wins out over a democratic mandate. I have spiritual authority that tells me what the rate of Corporation Tax should be, and how much tax should be paid by internet companies. I’d also be good at healing divisions by pouring oil on troubled waters. After all, I had 11 years in the industry. Please tell me how to leverage my position into real power. When I was in the City I used to be good at leverage, but I seem to have lost the touch.

(signed) “Wellbeing.”

Dear “Wellbeing,”

This is a tough one. You are wise to avoid the democratic route, given the very small electoral base you have. Even the 2 percent who attend church on Sunday probably only do it to secure Church school places for their kids. I suggest you win power through a Palace coup. Wait until next Spring, then lead the Lords Spiritual into a new party formed in the Commons of Labour anti-anti-Semites, Lib-Dems, and two or three dissident Tories. You won’t have enough votes initially, but remember that one on God’s side is a majority. You’ll need a miracle to win the following election but, hey, that’s right up your street, isn’t it? Then you could become Prime Minister in the Lords and boss everyone about. That’s what they do.