Ask Agatha #23 Puttin’ On The Ritz, Puttin’ On The Style


Dear Aunt Agatha,

I could use your help in improving my image. I’ve been mocked in the media recently because a couple of my tourist friends checking out Salisbury Cathedral were accused of some dastardly crime. I personally have been accused of stealing stuff from my neighbours, when the truth is that I took it only to protect it and to prevent it falling into the wrong hands. People have claimed that I interfered in foreign elections by exposing crimes committed by one of the candidates, but this is a lie. I might have nudged people into knowing where to look, but the only thing I’ve exposed personally is my bare chest while riding horseback.

By the time I retire I’ll have been at the top for a quarter of a century, so obviously I’ve upset a few people, and a few people might have been killed here and there, but I stress again that I did none of this personally. I won’t need money when I go because I persuaded some rich guys to bankroll me in return for not being clapped in the slammer. It’s my reputation I’m concerned about, though. I want to be fondly remembered as a good guy, so please advise me on how to eliminate the bad coverage and maybe some of the people behind it.

(Signed) “Putting on style.”

Dear “Putting on style,”

I don’t think you need worry. All this stuff they say about you just goes to reinforce your ‘tough guy’ image, so trade on it. I suggest you launch a range of men’s cosmetics and fragrances with your name on it. Have pictures of you doing judo, piloting submarines, firing darts into whales, and wrestling bears on the packaging, and they’ll sell to every guy that wants to be macho. By the time you retire they’ll remember you for the sweet scent of your fragrances, rather than for the unpleasant smell of some of the things you’ve done.

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