Please help me out of my despair at the terrible state of politics today. For ten years it was different with my highly talented contribution. I admit there were a few hiccups along the way, like tuition fees, mass immigration, the Iraq War, and the stuffing of the House of Lords with donors and placemen. But these are trivia compared to the Millennium Dome, which actually makes money now they’ve emptied it of my exhibition and called it the O2.
What this country now needs is a campaign to have a President like they have in the EU. I’m even prepared to fund such a campaign, maybe making a few more $250,000-a-throw speeches, or digging into some of the £100m I’ve made by cashing in on my career. Of course, it would be conditional on the choice of a straight-up kinda guy, honest to the core, but with oodles of experience in underhand wheeling and crooked dealing. I’m sure they would choose wisely.
The USA has a President, so why shouldn’t we? Actually it had rather a good one who gave me a Congressional Gold Medal that I’ve never actually collected, because a medal from the bush is worth two in the hand. I think I feel the hand of history again on my shoulder, assuming it’s not the hand of the law finally catching upon me. How can I make it happen?
(signed) “Non-catching TB”
Dear “Non-catching TB,”
I think you need a tiny bit of rehabilitation. Organize a whip-round among your rich buddies to buy the Queen a new Royal Yacht to replace the one you cancelled. Maybe get one of your billionaire friends to give her his instead? Then work on your popularity. Buy some polling organizations and put out bogus figures showing that a majority wants you as President. Since people believe anything pollsters predict, regardless of what actually happens, you’ll get away with this. Then get the Russians to put out on social media the fake news of your newly acquired popularity and demand a referendum on a presidency.
When the vote comes, find out which parts of the UK might oppose it and get your pals to spread Novichok around them like confetti. It should be no more complicated than that. And it will have the advantage of cutting down net immigration, as millions will leave the country when they see you coming.