[Aunt Agatha is hanging up her pen. She has enjoyed giving her advice to the helpless inadequates who’ve written in, and hopes her suggestions have improved their lives. But now she needs to relax on Gozo with her children and Carpathian sheepdogs, so she thanks her loyal readers and bids them farewell.]
Dear Aunt Agatha,
I’m accused of intransigence, despite often having taken account of other viewpoints. I promised to keep immigration below 100,000 a year, but happily let it rise to 288,000 when reality disagreed. Similarly, when my Advisory Council opposed criminalizing khat, I let my conscience overrule them and banned it anyway. And I withdrew those thuggish vans I sent into ethnic minority areas with “Go home or face arrest” written on the side as soon as the Advertising Standards Authority banned them.
I call that reasonable; it is others who are intransigent. Look at those MPs who refuse to sign up on my perfectly reasonable deal just because it breaks up the UK, leaves us permanently under the thrall of a foreign court, and stops us ever striking independent trade deals. Their alternative is too ghastly to think about. It would keep the UK intact, have us making our own laws at home, and free us to do deals with whomever we like.
President Trump will do a trade deal with me because he likes me. When I first met him in Washington, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. And if our EU masters object to that, I’m sure he’ll respond with a whisky-tango-foxtrot response. But I’m at an impasse, and I need advice on what to do next.
(signed) “Gathering Nuts”
Dear “Gathering Nuts,”
The general opinion is that you should now seek out new pastures and find new things to do, and I agree. First of all you should hold a nasty party, the biggest one ever seen. Invite the nastiest people – Heseltine, Toynbee, Soubry, etc. You might even include that EU drunk who abused you last week. Sling in just a couple of nice ones like young Owen Jones to avoid discrimination, but don’t go yourself. Then pack your leopard-skin slippers for one of your beloved walking tours. This time trek up Olympus Mons. I know it’s on Mars, but Donald’s buddy, Elon Musk, will provide transport. You’ll be amazed by how many people will be there as you head off, to wave you a cheery and enthusiastic goodbye.