Dear Aunt Agatha,

I need your advice on what to do next.  I obtained my present position because although just over half my colleagues regarded me as an odious little tyke, they knew that my elevation would really annoy the other half of my colleagues, who also think I’m an odious little tyke. 

I really object to that word “little,” because although it is technically true, I use authority to make up for the inches that I lack (in height, that is), as other great leaders have done, including Napoleon, Hitler and Stalin.  I find that if I shout and scream at people and smash the occasional phone, they soon start listening. 

My problem is that people want me to go, and I am reluctant to give up my salary, which is higher than the Prime Minister’s, or the expenses that fund my suits, my flights, my meals and my lifestyle.  Frankly, it would be an indignity to be seen in a taxi or a train, rather than a chauffeur-driven limousine.  Although I’d retain my pension pot of over £1m, I’d be eclipsed in celebrity standing by my somewhat exotic wife, whose fun-loving antics are often mistaken for vulgarity.  I’d resent the loss of status.  What do you advise?

(signed) “Mr S”


Dear “Mr S,”

This is a difficult one.  If you stay, you risk constant attacks and exposés from opponents delving into your spending habits and intimidation episodes.  I’m told that many of your friends are suggesting that you should “quit while you’re ahead.”  On the other hand, you would have to forego much of the lavish lifestyle you so obviously enjoy.  My advice is to negotiate a retirement.  People are so desperate to get rid of you that they would probably pay anything to see the back of you.  You could almost certainly negotiate a multi-million-pound severance package.  You and your wife could continue to live in comfort, while everyone else would think they had secured a bargain, no matter what the cost.

A xxx

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Agatha Antigone is satirical. She has a weekly Wednesday column at the Continental Telegraph and was born in Central Europe in 1965. Her claims of descent from Romanian aristocracy cannot be authenticated because her papers were all destroyed in the Bosnian War. She holds a Diploma in Structural Studies from the Fritz Meyer Institute of the University of Bucharest, and is the author of several academic monographs. Her media career, launched in Pecob magazine, now features columns in over 30 publications. She found international fame with the celebrated letter-opener hand-stabbing incident with a US journalist live on CNN. Her best-selling book, “The Tobacco and Alcohol Diet,” was published in 17 languages, derided though it was by academic nutritionists. Her infamous public marriage to a Carpathian sheepdog was formally annulled by the Pope and Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, though it further confirmed her international celebrity status. She took out Maltese citizenship in 2015, and now resides on the island of Gozo with her partner of 23 years and three teenage children. Agatha tweets at: