Ask Agatha #36 – Can I Or May I?

[Aunt Agatha is hanging up her pen. She has enjoyed giving her advice to the helpless inadequates who’ve written in, and hopes her suggestions have improved their lives. But now she needs to relax on Gozo with her children and Carpathian sheepdogs, so she thanks her loyal readers and bids them farewell.]

Dear Aunt Agatha,

I’m accused of intransigence, despite often having taken account of other viewpoints. I promised to keep immigration below 100,000 a year, but happily let it rise to 288,000 when reality disagreed.…

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Ask Agatha #35 – It’s Capitoline, As In Hill, Not Capitulation For Jupiter

Dear Aunt Agatha,

I’ve been found out and I need help fast. After what happened across Europe and the US, I realized that only an outsider could win, so I pretended to be one. In fact I’d been a government minister, a senior civil servant, an investment banker, and a graduate from l’Ecole nationale d’administration. You couldn’t get more establishment than that, so I simply kept quiet about it. I started my own political party to make me look like a newcomer, and hushed up my longtime membership of the Socialist Party.…

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Ask Agatha #34 – Peas Pleas In A Minor Key

Dear Aunt Agatha,

People are still making fun of me years after I ceased to matter, and I want it to stop. People should be ridiculing Jeremy Corbyn instead. They mocked me because my dad went from performing in music hall to making garden gnomes. They belittled my hard-earned 3 O-levels at school, forgetting that I added another 3 by correspondence courses. I think my total of 6 O-levels beats Jeremy Corbyn’s 2 Es at A-level, whatever the sneerers say.…

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Ask Agatha #33 – TB Or Not TB?

Dear Agatha,

Please help me out of my despair at the terrible state of politics today. For ten years it was different with my highly talented contribution. I admit there were a few hiccups along the way, like tuition fees, mass immigration, the Iraq War, and the stuffing of the House of Lords with donors and placemen. But these are trivia compared to the Millennium Dome, which actually makes money now they’ve emptied it of my exhibition and called it the O2.…

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Ask Agatha #32 A Study In Broon

Dear Aunt Agatha,

People barely notice me these days. When I held the top job, I used to scream and rant and hurl staplers across the office, but at least people noticed me. Now I’m all but invisible. It all started with that Islington meal when my colleague agreed to make way for me “after a few years.” When those “few years” became a decade, of course I screamed. I had every right to, being easily the cleverest man in the job, if not the world.…

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Ask Agatha #31 – Facing A Murky Future And Career Change

Dear Aunt Agatha,

What should I do next? I’ve told everyone I’m quitting my present job in 2021 – and it might be before then if some people have their way – but I’m still a young, well youngish, woman, and I’ll need another job. My CV is good enough to land another top job somewhere, given that I’ve played a leading role for 13 years. Some have likened me to the UK’s Margaret Thatcher, since we both took science doctorates, and I’ve been called the “iron frau,” just as she was the “iron lady.”

I’ve had a few ups and downs, though.…

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Ask Agatha #30 – ‘Kin’ ‘Eck, Failure’s A Good Gig, Innit?

Dear Aunt Agatha,

I tried to found a political dynasty in the mould of the Kennedys or the Bushes, but we haven’t actually achieved as much distinction as the Simpsons, let alone the Clintons. I was expected to be Prime Minister, but blew it with an event at Sheffield that looked more like a Nuremberg rally. I kept my hopes up by putting us all on the European gravy train, with me as a Commissioner, my wife as an MEP, and my son married to a European Prime Minister.…

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Ask Agatha #29 Clap Hands, Here Comes ….

Dear Aunt Agatha,

I’m tired of living under my boss’s shadow. She shows no sign of retiring, though I can’t get promoted until she does. People questioned my sanity when it came out that I talk to my plants, and even more so when I told them that they answer back. I back eccentric causes, but that doesn’t make me looney. I am prepared to give up a few servants if this encourages others to live more simply.…

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Ask Agatha #28 – Ee I Ee I O

Dear Aunt Agatha,

People sing silly songs about me because my name sounds like that old guy that had a farm where animals made noises and everyone sang E-I-E-I-O. Little do they know that when I get to run the economy it will be Animal Farm, and my animals in control will be more equal than the others.

My problem is my past. People don’t look at my boring career in local government, or even at my sleep-inducing stint as a TUC researcher.…

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Ask Agatha #27 – Someone Else’s Problem Field And Politics

Dear Aunt Agatha,

People keep thinking I’m their Lord and Saviour just because of my initials. In fact I’m not Jesus Christ, I’m Just Communist. I must admit I love the worship, though, the crowds singing hymns about my name and worshipping the ground I would walk on if my feet ever touched it. They expect me to do miracles, though, and while I can turn prosperity into bankruptcy in a flash, I can’t turn water into wine or Dianne Abbott into a fashion model.…

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