I went into a pub last week.

Not to buy anything – I was just meeting a friend there.

And then after a while I needed to use the toilet.

And guess what they said?

Get this – they said “I’m sorry sir, but the facilities are reserved for patrons. If you want to use the facilities, you’ll have to buy something”

I couldn’t believe my ears.

I assumed they were joking, and went and used the toilet anyway, and when I came out the manager was waiting for me – he insisted that I’d been told the use of the facilities was reserved for customers, and by disregarding that policy I was breaking the rules of their establishment.

And then she asked me to leave.

I literally could not believe it – what a bitch!

Anyway, I couldn’t leave, because I was meant to be meeting a friend there – I told her all this and she got really annoyed and told me that I was “taking the piss”, whatever that means.

So I put my headphones in and sat down to wait for my friend – she was still talking but I couldn’t hear her, so I just waved her away.

Next thing I know, the crazy bitch has called the police and they are asking me whether I had ignored the policies of the establishment – they were being all official and shit.

So I told them what I told the manager – I had to use the toilet because I really needed to take a leak, and I couldn’t leave because I was meeting a friend there. It’s as if they couldn’t understand me – they behaved as if I was the one being unreasonable.

Anyway, once I told the police that I couldn’t leave, they started insisting that I was now trespassing and that if I didn’t leave I’d be arrested. I tried to explain to them really clearly that I COULD NOT leave, because I was meeting a friend, but they literally didn’t seem to care – what is wrong with these people?

The manager was still there looking all angry and just asking me why I didn’t leave when I was asked to, as if I hadn’t explained to her SEVERAL times that I was meeting someone.

At this point the police actually started to put handcuffs on me, but then thank goodness – my friend arrived. He realised straight away what was happening – they were just persecuting me for being ginger.

He filmed the whole thing and put it on the internet, and suddenly all these people were being really understanding about the whole thing – THEY at least seemed to understand that I had needed to take a leak, was waiting for a friend, and the manager was just being a total bitch.

It’s all fine now though – they let me go and now the manager is going to have to do sensitivity training for how to deal with ginger people. They are even closing thousands of pubs around the country to make sure everyone knows how to deal with gingers.

About time.