Ask Agatha #29 Clap Hands, Here Comes ….

Dear Aunt Agatha,

I’m tired of living under my boss’s shadow. She shows no sign of retiring, though I can’t get promoted until she does. People questioned my sanity when it came out that I talk to my plants, and even more so when I told them that they answer back. I back eccentric causes, but that doesn’t make me looney. I am prepared to give up a few servants if this encourages others to live more simply. I’m even prepared to squeeze my own toothpaste.

I’ve been accused of not sticking to my highly-publicized affairs, but poking my nose into those of others.

I know I’ve had a few scrapes. My degree was outclassed by that of my protection officer. Mum didn’t like it when I was caught selling the family silver on e-Bay, and I was made to sit on the naughty step for a whole afternoon. My first marriage didn’t go entirely to plan, but I got lucky with divine intervention.

My problem is that time is passing and I am getting older. By the time I get promoted people say I will be old and feeble, with only a few years in which to do anything. What do you advise?

(signed) “C”

Dear “C,”

This is a tough one. To use the white Fiat Panda again would be a bit obvious, so I think you will just have to be patient and find something to occupy your time. Why not embark on a second career as a stand-up comic? You start with the advantage that people are already laughing at you, and you could command the best joke-writers in the UK simply by scattering out a few gongs and honours in their direction.

Book a few gigs at posh hotels and people will flock to see you. This is a good route to easy popularity, and to get people to see you in a whole new light. Furthermore, you could use your jokes to make digs at the political establishment, making you even more popular. By the time fate finally casts you into the hot seat, you will have a huge fan club and be known and revered as the only man in public life who makes people laugh instead of weeping in despair.