Progressives Recommend Hanau Gunman Receive Nobel Peace Prize

In the aftermath of the devastating attack on two shisha bars in Hanau, Germany, progressives emerged to demand that there be no rush to judgement about the motives of the apparent perpetrator.

Having shot and killed nine people in a drive-by-shooting, it appears the gunman returned to his home and killed his mother before ending his own life.

Various progressive commentators had already insisted that his far-right views should not be considered a factor in his targeting of shisha bars, and to plead that his actions not be used to demonise the Right generally. The BBC report has particularly refused to draw any links between this isolated incident and far-right terror.

In addition, some progressives were already claiming that his actions suggested a degree of mental illness may have been a driving factor in these events, and were demanding mental health assessments be made before any attempt to make an arrest, lest the gunman suffer a violation of his right to a safe space in which to recover his mental equilibrium.

It is hoped that this regrettable episode does not result in revenge attacks on the far-right community, who are already unfairly treated by the mainstream media and routinely mischaracterised as a vicious and barbaric subset of society – it is expected that next week a charity event for the far-right will be well attended by various Guardian and BBC luminaries, who plan to come together in solidarity to insist that the actions of one lunatic should not be allowed to become representative of what is largely a peaceful and inclusive ideology.

UPDATE:

Breaking news that the gunman had a long history of racist views and had a fully-functional Klan Kave carved out of the bedrock beneath his house from whence he would emerge like a hooded wraith to do battle each day with the forces of darkness brown-ness has not undermined the support from Progressive Royalty, who have remained staunchly committed and determined to see him posthumously absolved of any criminal responsibility and awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for drawing attention to the plight of the far-right community.

N.B – This article is satirical and any suggestion that progressives have made or intend to make any of the claims represented here is…………..unlikely.