Ask Agatha #15 – I’m Paid £13,000 A Day.

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Dear Aunt Agatha,

I’m bored. I really need another job to keep me interested, but since I already took up eight jobs since I left office, I fear that I’d be mocked if I did.  It’s not that I need the money.  When I was young I did what any go-getting ambitious person would do, and inherited £4m from my father’s trust.  I have gone on from there to the point where people say I’m greedy.  This is nonsense.  Of course I am worth the national minimum wage of £13,000, which I’m paid every day by the investment group I advise.  It’s sheer talent, not the political influence I can help my company with.

People are wrong to think it was my Russian contacts and the favours I did them in office that got me my key newspaper job.  This is absurd.  I am an acclaimed journalist, having worked briefly as a freelancer for the Telegraph when I started out.  It was the only job I did outside politics, and I think it qualifies me admirably.  Even here, it’s not the money, just the chance to print fake news every day to discredit the woman who booted me out of public office.

People say I am characterized by the inane, self-satisfied smirk on my face, but given what I’ve done, why not?  I am bored, however, and would appreciate any new challenges you can recommend.

(signed) “Smirkles.”

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Dear “Smirkles,”

My first reaction was to suggest that you should make room for a new job by quitting a few of those academic posts you took up in the US.  You are not exactly thought of as God’s gift to intellect and scholarship, so it always was somewhat absurd to take them on.  If you cut your jobs down to four, it would make it easier to add another.  On reflection, though, I think you should branch out into something more challenging. 

I think you should undertake a single-handed voyage around the world.  I know you have no experience of sailing, but that’s never stopped you taking on other jobs.  Just think of the advantages.  It would put a tan on that pasty pudgy face.  It would take you out of circulation for a year, which would do wonders for your reputation and the quality of your newspaper.  You could easily get sponsorship from some of your Russian friends, and announce you’re doing it unpaid for charity, maybe the Clinton Foundation? Go on, do it!

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Aunt Agatha
Agatha Antigone is satirical. She has a weekly Wednesday column at the Continental Telegraph and was born in Central Europe in 1965. Her claims of descent from Romanian aristocracy cannot be authenticated because her papers were all destroyed in the Bosnian War. She holds a Diploma in Structural Studies from the Fritz Meyer Institute of the University of Bucharest, and is the author of several academic monographs. Her media career, launched in Pecob magazine, now features columns in over 30 publications. She found international fame with the celebrated letter-opener hand-stabbing incident with a US journalist live on CNN. Her best-selling book, “The Tobacco and Alcohol Diet,” was published in 17 languages, derided though it was by academic nutritionists. Her infamous public marriage to a Carpathian sheepdog was formally annulled by the Pope and Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, though it further confirmed her international celebrity status. She took out Maltese citizenship in 2015, and now resides on the island of Gozo with her partner of 23 years and three teenage children.

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Spike
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“Smirkles” should meet former FBI sleuth Peter Smirzk, given that almost half of Congress agrees that his tweets about smelly Trump voters who “shop at Walmart” were not bias, and if they were, the bias would not have colored the actions he took under the impunity of tenure, not that his actions betray a flagrant double standard in the first place.

“Smirkles” may find a place overseas where he fits right in.