Dear Aunt Agatha,
I’m bored. I really need another job to keep me interested, but since I already took up eight jobs since I left office, I fear that I’d be mocked if I did. It’s not that I need the money. When I was young I did what any go-getting ambitious person would do, and inherited £4m from my father’s trust. I have gone on from there to the point where people say I’m greedy. This is nonsense. Of course I am worth the national minimum wage of £13,000, which I’m paid every day by the investment group I advise. It’s sheer talent, not the political influence I can help my company with.
People are wrong to think it was my Russian contacts and the favours I did them in office that got me my key newspaper job. This is absurd. I am an acclaimed journalist, having worked briefly as a freelancer for the Telegraph when I started out. It was the only job I did outside politics, and I think it qualifies me admirably. Even here, it’s not the money, just the chance to print fake news every day to discredit the woman who booted me out of public office.
People say I am characterized by the inane, self-satisfied smirk on my face, but given what I’ve done, why not? I am bored, however, and would appreciate any new challenges you can recommend.
My first reaction was to suggest that you should make room for a new job by quitting a few of those academic posts you took up in the US. You are not exactly thought of as God’s gift to intellect and scholarship, so it always was somewhat absurd to take them on. If you cut your jobs down to four, it would make it easier to add another. On reflection, though, I think you should branch out into something more challenging.
I think you should undertake a single-handed voyage around the world. I know you have no experience of sailing, but that’s never stopped you taking on other jobs. Just think of the advantages. It would put a tan on that pasty pudgy face. It would take you out of circulation for a year, which would do wonders for your reputation and the quality of your newspaper. You could easily get sponsorship from some of your Russian friends, and announce you’re doing it unpaid for charity, maybe the Clinton Foundation? Go on, do it!