Dear Aunt Agatha,
Two things hold me back. People think I’m a bore, especially when holding forth on Europe, and they also dislike my high-pitched laugh, which they say reminds them of a goat whinnying. I admit I do prattle on about the need for us to be part of an EU super-state, so much so that one MP publicly fell asleep alongside me when I did it recently. I opposed the referendum on Brexit because I didn’t want people given the chance to vote us out. As I’ve said, I want Westminster to be just a council chamber in Europe. Since people did vote us out, I’ve tried night and day to correct their mistake. I was the only MP to vote against Article 50 because I knew it would give effect to their foolish decision. I’m told that when the media wheel me out to say we should stay in the EU, that people turn off their TVs in droves and that viewer numbers plummet.
I’ve held most of the top offices, and tried three times to lead my party, only to be rebuffed with derisory votes. When they call me a big beast these days, it’s a reference to my size, not my influence. I publicly cultivate a liking of British things like cigars, jazz, real ale and our national sports. You’d think it would make me popular, but it doesn’t. Just because I want to put us under the rule of a foreign bureaucracy, all my good points are ignored. How can I get people to do what I want instead of what they want?
(signed) “Big Beast”
Dear “Big Beast,”
People are right to find you a bore. I had to read your letter three times, because I fell asleep twice while doing so, and was only woken by a real goat whinnying in my garden. This gave me the idea that you might make a virtue of your problem by marketing recordings of your speeches as sleep aids. People with sleeping difficulties would nod off as your voice droned on. Arrange it so they could set a timer, to be woken up when necessary by a loud recording of your goat-whinny laugh.
You yourself should head off to live in the South of France to spend your remaining days enjoying their wines and cheeses, and congratulating yourself that you at least managed to remain part of the union you devoted your life to staying in.