Dear Aunt Agatha,
People keep thinking I’m their Lord and Saviour just because of my initials. In fact I’m not Jesus Christ, I’m Just Communist. I must admit I love the worship, though, the crowds singing hymns about my name and worshipping the ground I would walk on if my feet ever touched it. They expect me to do miracles, though, and while I can turn prosperity into bankruptcy in a flash, I can’t turn water into wine or Dianne Abbott into a fashion model.
People think I’m the future, but the reality is that I’m in love with the past. I loved it when I was a young man and people didn’t pursue prosperity because there wasn’t any. I’m confident I can recreate those days if they’ll give me a chance. No economy is so big that I can’t pull it down. I liked the days so much when union bullyboys strong-armed everyone, that I’ve created my own set of thugs to terrorize my opponents today.
It’s those same opponents who criticize me for fraternizing with everyone who despises our country’s values like tolerance and free speech. I know that if we did allow those values to prevail it would simply permit International Zionists to maintain their grip on our media and our money.
My problem is that some people are scared of me, perhaps enough to keep me from doing what I want. How can I persuade them that I’m just a soft-hearted Santa at heart, like Stalin and Mao?
(signed) “Just Communist”
Dear “Just Communist,”
Santa famously gives away freebies, so you should do the same. From your sack you should hand out increased pensions, more school funding, extra police, higher public sector pay, and so on. They’ll love you, and even if they don’t, sheer greed should do the same job. If anyone asks where the money’s coming from to pay for all this, point out that our Lord JC fed 5,000 people on only 5 loaves and two fishes, and tell them you are going to feed 60 million by similarly conjuring it up out of nowhere. I know you can’t do that, but they don’t know that, and by the time the bills come in and they realize that they and their children will be paying for it all for decades, you’ll be long gone and it will be someone else’s problem.
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— Aunt Agatha (@Ask_Agatha) October 17, 2018