Ask Agatha #30 – ‘Kin’ ‘Eck, Failure’s A Good Gig, Innit?


Dear Aunt Agatha,

I tried to found a political dynasty in the mould of the Kennedys or the Bushes, but we haven’t actually achieved as much distinction as the Simpsons, let alone the Clintons. I was expected to be Prime Minister, but blew it with an event at Sheffield that looked more like a Nuremberg rally. I kept my hopes up by putting us all on the European gravy train, with me as a Commissioner, my wife as an MEP, and my son married to a European Prime Minister. By Jove how the money rolled in!

My wife and I became life peers, and I helped my son into a safe seat, despite that awkwardness he had about paying taxes in Switzerland while living in Denmark. Despite all this, no-one gives us any respect. The only thing they remember about me is that “he’s the guy who made a prat of himself on a beach,” and they remember me losing my cool in front of a crowd and repeatedly babbling “We’re all right!”

Agatha, I want to be remembered instead as the founder of a major political dynasty. I want my family to be seen as movers and shakers, not as European Union lickspittles. However, I fear that when we leave the EU, my family will have nothing to show for it except, of course, the money. How do we go about securing our dynasty?

(signed) “Windbag.”

Dear “Windbag,”

Founders of dynasties usually have more children than two. Joseph Kennedy had nine, and George H Bush had six. On this basis, Jacob Rees-Mogg is more likely to found a dynasty than you are. However, all is not lost. Having failed in the UK, you could transition your dynasty to continental Europe. None of you will have problems with the bureaucracy and corruption, and you could soon pick up that EU arrogance. Change the spelling of your name to a ‘que’ ending instead of a ‘ck,’ and act like minor European aristocracy, as everyone else in Brussels does.

Go for popular appeal. I suggest you produce a new TV box set called “The Windbags,” in the style of “The Waltons.” It could be filmed on location in Brussels, and every episode could involve you burning 500 Euro notes, telling us how it’s money well spent. The Windbag dynasty will be famous on YouTube and people in 100 years’ time will flock to pay homage to Chateau de Windbag.

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European citizenship would mean the welsh can disown him once and for all