Theresa May’s Shopping List

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Theresa Mays weekend shopping list.

Theresa May’s weekend shopping list has been revealed by an insider in Downing Street.

She claimed at PMQs that she has a longer weekend shopping list than the Labour Party’s 6 point alternative to Brexit and more thought out. We can confirm this.

May is often seen pottering around in Tesco express in Westminster to do her weekend shopping, eschewing Aldi due do a spat with “that bloody Merkel woman”

The weekend shopping list reads this:

1, get some breakfast in for Phil

2, stamps and envelopes

3, better not get stamps and envelopes because he might use them to write a letter, he’s probably sick of the s**tshow and wants me sacked – so no, change that to an advent calendar instead.

4, must feed the cat as it’s the only one left in Downing Street that loves me. Cats voted for cat food, but I can’t be arsed with that so I’ll get some Pedigree Chum and a bone and tell the cat this is what you voted for and I’m delivering.

5, better get some walking boots in

6, some sort of strong and stable glue.

7, the bloke next door is moaning at me, must get him some magic beans from the momentum shop.

8, the Berk needs a new tie so get him one that looks statesman like. Not like he’s auditioning for the circus. Actually a bit of rope and the gallows might do.

9, humble pie

10, top up my mobile whilst I’m there.

May surprisingly has nothing better to do this weekend other than shop for crap, although given she has successfully blown £40billion odd on a pile of crap, her budget is small

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Quentin Vole

If Theresa ever went to the local market, what’s the betting she’d swap the family cow for a handful of magic beans?